Porn stars, whisky and bad marketing

I love liqour. I don’t drink – like, at all – but I love the history of it and the aesthetics of it and pretty much everything about it other than the smell, taste and fact I go from sober to dizzy and sick with no stops in fun town. So I love whisky commercials – all the fun of whisky, none of the taste.

Whisky by X’s ads though are….confusing on a deep level. They leave me confused and vaguely sad for whoever is paying $130 a pop for this stuff.

In their own words Whisky by X is:

…the perfect combination of premium quality whisky and the most coveted women. Not only will the quality of our whisky make your heart beat faster, the thought of the same whisky touching the body of the woman of your dreams will leave you speechless. Our striking bottle and iconic label will stand out across the world as a mark of our exclusive cooperation with top models from the industry. Discover the difference and order your favorite blend.

The first question that pops into my head, obviously, is how exactly has this co-operation worked? Do the porn stars let the whisky get poured over them before bottling it? Do they pop the corks up their…y’knows…before the final seal is put on the bottles? I mean, it doesn’t sound like it would get back health and safety, but I’ve never bottled any whisky so what do I know! Maybe vaginal secretions are a popular addition to more brands than I know. I mean, when I was a teenager I know some guys that worked in McDonalds and they totally wanked into the deep fryers. So…

Then I thought I’d watch the ad itself. This turned out to be less enlightening than I’d hoped.

That guy has clearly already drunk a lot of cheap whisky, possibly even been into the Buckfast (and who checks their watch when they have their phone right there in their hand?), and when he gets back to his hotel room the door is already open. Oh no. He staggers drunkenly around the room, and then some partially clad woman runs into the room, steals his phone, and rubs her genitals on a lot of surfaces. She then goes into the bathroom, videos herself peeing in a glass and comes back…at which point the poor confused idiot drinks her whizz and she runs away laughing. I can see this being the start of a very odd episode of Law and Order: SVU. However, I’m not sure if the woman was the one who broke into the suite initially or if she’s just some naked lady that runs around the hotel.

Oh well, there’s another ad.

OK, well slightly less like the start of a crime drama this still doesn’t clear anything up for me. A guy that kinda looks like Lawrence Fox from Lewis comes home to dissonant music and pours himself a drink, only to have his reverie interrupted by a lady (who should TOTALLY be making lesbian vampire porn with a name like Joy Van Velsen) wearing very scanty undies. AT NO POINT does this dude like he’s enjoying himself. He looks like he’s drinking to forget the fact he got really confused the night before and drank some random woman’s wee.

I am not entirely sure what the marketing is trying to imply, and what I do infer from the ads is not anything that would make me want to drink their booze (assuming I did drink). I know I am not their target demographic – this is definitely aimed at people who drink a lot of whisky and watch a lot of porn – but…does even the porn-watching, whisky drinking demographic wanna drink whiskey that – as far as I can tell from the ads – has been filtered through a porn star’s bladder?

This is wee-whisky isn’t it? I mean…it just is.

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