There comes a time in everyone’s life (or could just be me) when they realise they’re too cynical for Christmas movies. Don’t get me wrong. I love Christmas. Tis the season to don my santa hat and drink all the Christmas coffee and give my relatives kids wholly annoying presents that make noise and mess.
…wanna see your cousin give you the look of death? Give his kid a Crime Scene kit after he’s had his entire house carpeted white.
ANYHOW, 2016 has been a year where a lot of bullshit happened and it’s been hard getting into the Christmas spirit this year. So I decided to mainline me some Christmas movies to try and jolly it again. As a result I’ve realised that I am far too cynical for Christmas.
Instead of ‘Christmas Spirit’ I’ve got these messages,
1: Apparently what women REALLY want for Christmas is a poorly wrapped man under the tree. Doesn’t matter if they’ve spent their whole lives working to be an actress, advertising exec (quite frequent!), or doctor – one wiggle of that Santa-town peen and they’re just gonna throw all that in. (In fairness, the doctor one was kinda cool. She was still a doctor. Just a doctor in Santa’s village, tending to elves, reindeer, and Santa’s gout and crippling indigestion).
2: The man WILL either be a playboy no one thought would ever marry, or — more likely — a widower with a mopey eyed child. DO NOT MEET THE CHILD’S EYES! They will also either be a prince or some sort of salt-of-the-earth dude who crafts his own beers from clods of dirt and pine.
3: Don’t trust the cheery older woman and her homespun wisdom. If you pay close attention, she’s actually talking RUBBISH, and just trying to lure you in so the Christmas town can devour you.
4: The female lead is always an unreasonable shrew. Even if she’s just doing her job and/or being reasonably reserved from the precocious child’s precocious and endearing approaches. (Seriously, there was one where the woman’s sister ran off with her fiance on the EVE of the wedding, and everyone is all ‘GAWD, when you get over that already?!’ and I’m like, ‘maybe she’ll get over it when some pays for the money she put down for the caterer, the wedding venue, the dress, and all the assorted wedding crap. Maybe she’ll get over it then!’. Also the whole emotional betrayal thing, but seriously! Weddings are expensive. My cousin ditched his fiancee on the eve of the wedding, and she would STAB HIM IN THE BALLS to this day!)
5: It is PERFECTLY REASONABLE to give up your entire job and life for a man you’ve known for, usually, less than a week. This will totally end well. Also accepting rides from weird men at Christmas? Aces idea! Do that. Let me know how it goes.
6: I don’t get how come the down-home dude with workman’s hands and a half-orphaned kiddo never goes ‘Are you MAD?! This business is failing. I keep telling you that! I talk constantly about my life is so hard and Kid can’t have new shoes. Or any shoes! I’m moving to LA with you, and you and your sexy advertising job can keep me in the manner to which I wanna become accustomed!’
Oh, speaking of the kid? 6a: Never ask ‘what about your mother?’. The answer is, 8 times out of 10, that she’s dead.
7: If there’s an old guy with a beard, don’t trust him if he says he’s not Santa.
8: If the old guy with a beard curses you, it will be either be by ripping off It’s a Wonderful Life or A Christmas Carol. You know these stories, stop acting confused.
9: While cursed, just accept that the answer to how to get home is that you were wrong, shitty, and are generally just the most horrible person in the world. Accept this, hit bottom, and weep about all the mistakes you made not putting every other fucker in the world over you.
10: Don’t worry! At the end you’ll have a man and a ready made family of one precocious child. I imagine that, for these unfortunate women, it will all kick off again come Easter.